A Wolf in Dog's Clothing: The Chevy Impala SS

"Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez" (apidaonline) 03/23/2014 at 20:54 • Filed to: Sleeper

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Close your eyes and imagine that you're at a car rental place in 2008. What do you see? Camrys, Sebrings, Taurii, maybe a few Yukons and a shitload of Impalas, right? Right. Now imagine you actually want to rent one. Which one would you choke down your masculinity for? Probably a Chrysler 300, if we're completely honest.

But what about plan B?

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*This is an article from !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , written by our resident obscure American sedan fanatic and !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! contributor Garrett Hammerel. If you'd like to see more of these types of editorials, check us out !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! *

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The Chevy Impala was originally !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . It's almost as old as my mom, and my mom thinks a tape deck is a luxury.

Much like the Impala. Throughout the years, the impala gained fame for being longer, sleeker, and powerful-er. In the mid-60s, while most cars were dabbling in the 200-horse range, the Impala was wrecking the pavement with a world-turning 425 hp - as much as a 2014 Australian-new Chevy SS, or Vauxhall, or Holden or whatever the hell they drive upside down over there.

As the years rolled on and the CAFE regulations regulated, the majestic Impala slowly died and the snarling beast was neutered. Big block 409s gave way to wheezy V-6s, strong lines turned to anonymity; malaise had struck. In 1986, the Impala was finally killed as it made way for the Caprice name.

There was a minute there in the mid-90's there when the Impala came back to roast some tires, but it was over almost as soon as it had begun. Finally, in 1999, the Impala made its triumphant return. Now, we had our loin-shaking, heart-exploding, adrenaline-mainlining, front-wheel dr… Wait, what? Front-wheel drive? What the fuck is that all about? This thing wasn't an Impala. This isn't what Snoop Dogg rapped about. This was a fat fucking Lumina, and I FUCKING HATED THE LUMINA!

Alright, well, at least they used it as a cop car, and I could only imagine it was even slower than a Crown Vic. So there's that little bit of solace.

The years went on and rental fleets grew. Impalas flew off the dealership floors to anyone who didn't have a clue what they were doing. Car people went on fawning over the Mustang redesign and talking about how shitty the new GTO was. Fast-forward to 2006, and Chevrolet redesigned the Impala due to it's general success. Something was different this time, though. Something pretty special that was pretty far under the radar.

This Impala had a V-8. Basically a Corvette V-8. And that rocked.

Chevrolet had actually put a small-block V-8 into a front-wheel drive family car, and was selling it to normal people. Who came up with this idea? The thing made a touch over 300 horses to the front wheels, and nobody would be any wiser if it weren't for the badges. That's good for 0-60 in 5.6, half a second slower than that redesigned Mustang GT. And here was the best part:

It still looked like it rolled off a rental car line.

Think about it: somewhere deep inside of us, we all like sleepers. That sensation of beating someone in a car that they would have never looked twice at is incredible. Now, most of you out there will point at cars like the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! when you talk about factory snoozers. Yeah, Ford threw a marginally better V-8 in a Crown Vic and painted it black and it was an instant sleeper, right? WRONG. First off, it had big chrome wheels, RWD, a loud exhaust, and a name like "Marauder". Not very sneaky, and it was slower than what it hyped itself to be.

Consider the ninth-gen Impala, though.

You're at a stoplight in a de-badged beige on beige SS. Some hipster pulls up next to you in a stanced VW with the shocker sticker on the windshield. You look over at him and feel gluten-free disgust. He looks over at you and thinks you are in town for an investment seminar. He pushes his go pedal to egg you on, thinking about a band that you've probably never heard of. The light turns green and you embarrass him. He never knew what he was in for. Great success. Now you and your banking buddies have something to talk about when you're not cold-calling disinterested clients and stealing office supplies.

The Impala SS was discontinued due to huge bummers in 2009. You don't often see them in rental fleets anymore, at least not national chains. The next time you do, though, forget about that Chrysler and give an SS a chance. You'll be as fast as Eleanor, but look like Ellen. Exactly the kind of understatement you need when you're drinking from 40s and hitting the 8-ball.

Rest in peace, Eazy-E. Rest in peace, Impala SS.

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Lumpy44, Proprietor Of Fine Gif > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 20:57

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This Impala though, awesome sleeper.

Milky > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 21:00

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More like "Rest In Pain"

Its dead, I'm glad and it can stay there.

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 21:01

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I've always secretly lusted after one of these.

The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 21:05

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5.3 is not a Corvette V8. It's a truck engine. If the Marauder is not a sleeper than neither is the 7th nor 9th gen SS. Or the Grand National for that matter.

Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez > The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 03/23/2014 at 21:07

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Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez > Milky 03/23/2014 at 21:09

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More for the rest of us! :)

Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez > Lumpy44, Proprietor Of Fine Gif 03/23/2014 at 21:10

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They're actually appreciating now because they're getting more rare. Awesome cars. I'd love to do a Roadmaster version.

Lumpy44, Proprietor Of Fine Gif > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 21:15

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Used to see them more at car shows but they are getting more and more rare. Guess the price goes up with it. Uncle house sat for a guy with one and we went out for a drive in it one afternoon, scary, scary amount of power.

Axial > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 21:15

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I find the hate for the 8th gen hilariously misguided because the supercharged W-body V6 SS was actually faster than the B-body SS from the 90s.

I also think it looks better and far more distinctive than the 90s car.

Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez > Axial 03/23/2014 at 21:19

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The one that took after the Monte Carlo/Lumina platform? It wasn't horrible, but it really wasn't anything to write home about in my opinion. The 90s one at least had presence, even if it wasn't quick. But I did drive a late 90s Monte Carlo SS and it wasn't half bad.

Axial > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 21:26

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The "pokéball lights" one, which I guess is the one that takes after the Monte Carlo SS. It's not the late 90s Monte Carlo, sticking to model years, it's 2000-2005. 2nd Gen W-Body, 110-inch wheel-base.

The '90s one had no street presence, all the presence was for the benefit of the driver. It just looks like any old full-size sedan in traffic. The 8th gen at least has a look that is wholly unique to itself with that rear fascia and those black rub strips.

Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez > Axial 03/23/2014 at 21:29

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I still want a murdered out Buick RoadMaster with SS badges because I'm fancy like that.

Also, lol @ pokeball lights. I've never heard anyone refer to them as that. That's awesome. I always looked at them as knockoff R34 Skyline lights.

Axial > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 21:48

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RoadMasters are nice rides. Dated even by my grossly nostalgic standards, but nice. Hitch is that you need to get one in great shape, because when they go shoddy they really go shoddy.

M54B30 > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 22:01

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I like this generation best. As much as I generally hate boring cars, I do like this one.

The interior was trash though. The exterior was good, clean, easy on the eyes but the interior was trash (I know, surprise for GM back then). A 5 seater version with a traditional center console (column shifter or console shifter, either way) would've improved it 100000%. And that godawful steering wheel. Otherwise it is a comfortable car. Give it a good stereo and a center console and I'd eat all kinds of highway miles in it.

wiffleballtony > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 22:57

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Let us review. FWD and a four speed automatic, in 2008 I can't imagine how this is anything other than an embarrassment to the badge and shouldn't be uttered in the same sentence as the Marauder. More a dog less of a wolf.

Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez > wiffleballtony 03/23/2014 at 23:04

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What can I say, you're right. But let's not mince words, if this is an embarrassment, the Chevy Aveo or HHR has to be a double-homicide.

Burt > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/23/2014 at 23:35

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Preach it! Whenever I see an SS, I wish I could switch them engines, because the owner probably never uses more than what my 3.5 has to offer, and I could be using the 5.3 to smoke all the VWs and Hondas.

ixismore > Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez 03/25/2014 at 07:22

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My dad talks about renting one of these and being instantly dissapointed by build quality and not getting his usual Altima to pick from and just getting a crappy impala (relatively good gas mileage if he can't get a Prius and its on a business trip anyways). "Man they made this V6 sound like a V8!" Didn't know it was the SS till he was on an on ramp and floored it, nearly as fast as his M Roadster at the time! I remember him texting me a picture and asking "Uh what is this?"